Cycle Breakers

what it feels like to leave generational trauma behind

Photo by Nguyen Dang Hoang Nhu on Unsplash

“Never underestimate a cycle breaker.  Not only did they experience years of generational trauma, but they stood in the face of the trauma and fought to say, ‘This ends with me.’  This is brave.  This is powerful.  This comes at a significant cost.  Never underestimate a cycle breaker.”  

These are the words passed to me via text from a friend who knows me and loves me well.  She means to encourage me.  Although I feel the love, I have to admit, I don’t feel brave.  I don’t feel powerful.

Yes, I was tossing and tumbling under the current of trauma.  I was disoriented and drowning.  I paddled and kicked for my life to make it to the surface.  Gasping for breath, I swam against the current to make it to land.  When I finally pulled myself out of the water and looked around, I was without most of my loved ones.  Most of my family members are still tossing and tumbling under the current of trauma, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to save them.

Do you want to know what it feels like to be a cycle breaker?  It feels like being ripped in two in the most gruesome way.  I’m living my life with half of my bloody body, while the other half of me is left behind.  

I moved 2,000 miles away from drugs and abuse.  I went to college.  I married a good man.  I have three beautiful children who have happy childhoods and know nothing of trauma.  My life is dreamy, some might say.  

On the other hand, many I love have been left behind.  Reminders of the pain of my past life never leave me.  Many of my family members have chosen less healthy ways to cope with the family trauma.

A few months ago, I received news that my beautiful cousin took her life.  Do you know what I was doing when she felt hopeless and alone?  I was at my son’s basketball game.  It seems strange to be doing something normal like watching my son play sports while my cousin is ending her life.

Another family member sent me a desperate message a few days ago.  She’s asking for money, but I also know that drug addiction is killing her.  I haven’t responded to her message yet.  While she’s living on the streets, I’m teaching children and caring for my family.  I want so desperately to help her, but what does real help look like?  What has her life been like in the days since I’ve procrastinated calling her back?  While she’s sleeping on the street, I’m sleeping in a warm bed.  While she feels the pangs of hunger, I’m cooking an abundant meal for my family.

I have a letter sitting on my desk from a cousin who has been incarcerated his entire life.  He says, “I am so proud of you and of all you have overcome.  You made it through.  You have become a beautiful woman.  You are amazing!  You should be very proud of yourself.”  But I don’t feel amazing.  I feel tired and sad.  I feel guilty that while I take a walk outside and feel the sunshine on my skin, my cousin is trapped in a jail cell.  

I am not smarter than my family members.  I am not better than them in any way.  I cannot explain my life except to say that God picked me up out of a mess and set me on a different path.  It was Divine intervention.  It wasn’t me.

I do not want to waste this beautiful life that God has given me by living in the pain of my past.  At the same time, I cannot help but feel extreme sadness for my family members who are still struggling.

My hope is that my children will get to enter adulthood without carrying the pain that I carry.  This cycle of trauma will be just a scary Grimm’s fairy tale that they have heard, but not a burden they have to bear.  My story will help them to live out their stories with love and compassion.  They will get the chance to live wholehearted lives, not brokenhearted lives.  This is the gift God has given us.

“Never underestimate a cycle breaker.  Not only did they experience years of generational trauma, but they stood in the face of the trauma and fought to say, ‘This ends with me.’  This is brave.  This is powerful.  This comes at a significant cost.  Never underestimate a cycle breaker.”